It’s my 29th birthday today, the final year of my 20’s. I always feel this certain sense of foreboding about the year ahead on my birthday. I suppose I’m supposed to make it count and then I find I haven’t spent nearly as much time wandering around the cities of warm foreign countries, but rather a lot of time commuting to the office and day dreaming about winning the lottery.
I remember turning 22 and being very disappointed. It felt so old! Taylor Swift’s song ’22’ was released somewhere in the vicinity of that year and Amy Bond was forced to send me the Youtube video just to try and cheer me up. I also remember being somewhat panic stricken at turning 25 – despite my vehement belief that my 25th year on earth was, in fact, the best one yet. Now that i’m almost 29 I forget how old I actually am, was it really 10 years ago that I started University? A few days ago my dad started a story with ‘when I was your age’ and he was actually talking about a time when he was about 10, so I know he can’t believe i’m almost 30.
I’ve never been one to wish I was certain age again. God, you couldn’t pay me a million to re-do my teens or my early twenties. And I really do need a million pounds. To be honest, I’ve been quite content with my age for a few years now, it’s not the physical state of growing older that concerns me at all, I suppose it’s the few things you lose as you become an adult that really bothers me. Since moving back to my parents I often wonder if i’ve regressed a little because i’ve returned to this safe bubble of life that i’m so familiar with. Even on the days when i’m so fed up with the loss of independence, I still find the thought of buying a property, being a grown up and not having the constant comfort of my Mother just a few steps away an inherently scary thought.
Given the current state of the world, my birthday is obviously a quiet affair this year and i’ve spent most of the day baking and filling bags up with cheap clothing that should have been thrown out years ago. My intent is to spend this long weekend organising my life because i’ve spent the last 4 weeks of social distancing feeling quite anxious and, as a result, lazy and unmotivated.
Perhaps it’s just because the sun is out but that cloud seems to have lifted a little today so i’m going to make the most of it.I don’t hold out much hope for the next 12 months if i’m honest, the world is carnage and I feel apprehensive and unwilling to make plans. I’ll be happy to have a quiet year and if I make it to 30 with my family and friends safe and sound, then i’ll consider it a successful one.